You know that feeling when you just want to crawl out of your skin, but you don’t have the energy to get off the couch? The days when your mind is spinning but you can’t seem to hold a stand of thoughts long enough to give them direction? When your ‘to do’ list feels endless while you also feel like you’re failing at life. You want to work out, eat healthy and sleep but all you crave is caffeine, carbs and distraction. I’ve been there. I was there just last weekend. These are symptoms of Compassion Fatigue. Compassion Fatigue is defined by Merriam Webster as; “the physical and mental exhaustion and emotional withdrawal experienced by those who care for sick or traumatized people over an extended period of time.”
If you are a caregiver, work in a helping profession, participate in being a decent human or have been told you are too nice, you can probably relate to these feelings. Other symptoms include: taking extended breaks from work, reduced decision-making ability, feeling disconnected, dysfunctional coping behaviors, emotional numbness, decreased productivity, hypervigilance, dissatisfaction with work, sleep problems, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, preoccupation with other people and irritability to name a few. It’s a difficult job caring for others.
I used to think that if I received more thank yous, I’d be more resilient to this ailment. I hate to break it to you, but I have come to learn, no amount of appreciation can fill a heart with holes. The tools needed to mend a broken heart are boundaries, self-care and support from others. You would think these are so simple, but man are they complex. A heart that has been told to beat for the love of others feels selfish asking for anything close to what they give.
I have been blessed with a healer as a partner and still I feel terrible when I need to change plans, have hard conversations or God forbid, need help with something. It’s like pulling teeth to get me to accept help. It’s honestly a hypocritical pattern within myself that I resent. My antidote to my own hypocrisy is to make it known. Being brave enough to admit my own flaws is hard for me. I don’t like being vulnerable. Yet, here I am. The blow to my ego is worth the mending of my heart.
My most comfortable self-care activity is solo trail runs and extended hikes. I struggle most in the in between seasons. There isn’t enough snow on the ground to ski and most of the time it’s raining or pitch black outside. I need the sun to help me get out of my head and into nature. I went on a much needed adventure yesterday and explored a new trail surprisingly without any rain in the forecast or whiplash wind. I fell back in love with filling my own heart. Every step transformed all my feelings of helplessness into leaps of freedom. Each forest bridge I crossed brought me closer to the mystical world of wilderness energy. I didn’t care about being anyone’s anything anymore, I just wanted to run like a child in the sun. I was in heaven for the time being.
To my surprise that night my dreams let me know I had more work to do on my heart…And this one couldn’t be healed with self-care. No amount of boundaries were going to replace what was broken. I needed help. I’m blessed to have healthy humans in my world but yet, my brokenness creates a fear that even they can’t show up for me. To avoid being disappointed… I don’t ask. Well…When you have healers in your world they notice.
I’ve spent many years coping in dysfunctional relationships so that I could avoid being truly vulnerable. I could avoid needing help. I could cover my sadness with anger. I could keep making new goals to feel good enough. I created my bed, and I was ok living in it, because I could always come and go as I pleased. Loneliness is also a choice. It never starts that way but when we start to create a life around it…Well one day we need to take some accountability for the life we choose to live.
This is not a message for people in active grief or those in active dysfunctional relationships. This is a message for people who know they have people they can rely on, but they are afraid of being rejected, criticized, dismissed, or hurt. This is not a message of blame, shame or victimhood but rather a message about our own addiction to being the healer, helper or hero. As a person who feels the most comfortable being needed, I understand how hard that sentence stings and even feels offensive or insulting. It is shared with love because when I learned to ask for help, the parts of my broken heart stopped breaking.
Self-care is a beautiful skill that we need to master. When we do, we can soothe our own wounds. Boundaries are necessary so we can stop guarding our hearts and start filtering who we allow in. Support is critical to giving our hearts what was taken, trust, respect and acceptance. Full healing is not a solo journey.
In light of a season built on connection and a sense of deep community. I encourage you to give yourself as well as others the gift of time, attention and compassion. Give someone a hug instead of a solution. Give someone a list of what you love about them. Give someone a look into your own brokenness. Give yourself the opportunity to be helped.
Namaste
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